together, we'll conquer
by girlwhoobsessed
Summary: JJ walks in on Reid while he's self harming, did she make it on time? and can she help him out of the darkness he's drowning in? *might be a bit triggering *set in an AU where JJ has never met Will or had Henry
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1  
It was pouring rain outside, as Hotch handed JJ a few files

"would you mind dropping these off at Reid's on your way home? he forgot to take them with him"

JJ tilted her head "whats wrong with Reid anyway he's been acting so strange lately"  
Hotch glared at her for a second "i don't really know, maybe you should try talking to him? anyway enjoy your week off"  
JJ nodded as she took the files from Hotch and half smiled

"Sure, thank you"

she knocked repeatedly on the door before she started feeling a bit uneasy,

why wasn't he answering?  
she pulled her phone out of her purse and quickly dialed his number, trying to calm herself and insisting that nothing is wrong, that she shouldn't panic,  
but something inside of her kept telling her something terrible is happening

she heard the phone ringing from the inside of his apartment.  
Now she was really worried,

she held the doorknob and was surprised to see it turn,  
she flung the door open and stormed into the hallway calling for Reid,

she spotted his phone ringing on a table, and his messenger bag thrown on the floor,  
her heart wrenched and she called worriedly "REID!"

she didn't get an answer so she hurried towards the end of the hallway,

she froze, stunned to see Reid sitting on the living room floor with a razor in his his hand, his wrist a bit bloody, his face drenched with tears, sweat and lifelessness, with a big bottle of vodka next to him  
for a second JJ felt the life get sucked out of her, her body felt so numb, her knees felt so weak like the weight of the world is upon her shoulders,

she dropped the files and her purse on the floor and let out a gasp

"oh my god"  
he was just sitting there, his shirt unbuttoned, his hair so messy, his red eyes surrounded with darkness, his cheeks filled with tears, and his entire body shaking and what terrified JJ the most, he was clutching a knife in his hand, cutting his wrists and breathing out as the blood fled out,

JJ finally came to her senses so she hurried towards him, her heart racing "oh God, Spenc what have you done"  
she pulled the knife away from him and held his face between her hands and she yelled in fear  
"LOOK AT ME SPENC" his eyes met hers, his dull, lifeless, lost eyes "whats wrong?" she asked with utter concern,

he stared at her, for what felt like decades before she pulled up his sleeve and was shocked to see scars all over his arm "h-how long have you been doing this Spenc?" she barely managed to ask, "its, n-nothing, please j-just go, go home jennifer its nothing" Reid muttered, the last thing he wanted was for HER to see him in this pathetic position.

"don't you tell me its nothing Spencer something is obviously wrong so tell me what it is right now okay because i'm w…"

Reid cut her oscreaming "YOU WANT TO KNOW WHATS WROING WITH ME JENNIFER? EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING IS WROING NOTHING EVER GOES RIGHT FOR ME" he let out a sob,

and then said, shaking"am struggling JJ" his voice was so sad, so broken, JJ couldn't help but tear,

"oh sweetie…."

Reid went on before she managed to say anything else

"ever since i was a kid, my childhood was stolen from me, my own father walked out on me because am not worth it, i had to spend my childhood taking care of my ill mother instead of playing like everyone else my age, i basically raised myself, i was picked on by everyone. everyone had high expectations for me and i've always lived under the pressure of meeting them, JJ i was kidnapped and brutally tortured, you think that when you found me it was a happy ending ? that the nightmare was over?"

Reid smirked with a sad look in his eyes then continued

"well, trust me JJ, it wasn't the end, it was the beginning to a whole other nightmare, not only did i have to live with the scars for the rest of my life, not only was i expected to come back to the BAU and look at those dead bodies like it means nothing to me, like i don't know EXACTLY how they felt, Tobias had me hooked on damn drugs JJ"

he took a breath and shut his eyes for a second before he continued

"and even Gideon, who was the closest thing to a father figure i've ever had, walked out on me for the same apparent reason my father did, the fact that i wasn't good enough"

his eyes tear up again and he tries to ignore the lump in his throat

"how many people have i seen lose their lives in front of me JJ? how many times was i responsible for it? even if you and the team try to convince me other wise" he let out a cry

"am having terrible headaches, i just want to shoot myself, my nightmares keep me awake all night long and then the next day am supposed to be saving lives. I know am not supposed to complain, but i thought for once maybe i had the right to complain, just for once you know? so i talked to Emily about my headaches and then BOOM, she walks out on me too. one second she's dead and am coping with her loss, and the next she's alive, and you and Hotch have lied to me. you, the person i trusted the most, you did that to protect me i know that i just don't know whats wrong with me to make me feel this way, to act like a damn child who only cares about himself, am selfish for thinking like that about you and Emily i know that i swear, but its just too much, all of it is too much, my headaches,my nightmares,losing, Everything seems so dark, i have nothing to live for, nothing is worth it, am just so fucking tired Jennifer"

after that, he just collapsed on her lab, sobbing and shaking,

for a few seconds Jennifer couldn't muster any words, her eyes were wide open and her heart was pounding, was Reid really going though all of this? and they haven't noticed?

she hugged him closely, and patted his back " its going to be okay Spenc, i promise you"

she whispered she let him cry on her lap for a few minutes, patting his back and his head mumbling comforting words, she wanted him to cry it all out, to let it all out before she said anything, he at least had the right to cry

when she noticed that his breathing slowed down a bit, she pulled his head up, cupped his face, wiped the tears off his cheeks and looked him straight in the eyes,

"now you listen to me Spencer" she said in a soothing voice "i know it all seems so dark right now, like no one understands you, no one knows how you feel, but trust me when i say it, and as cliché as it sounds, It does get better" she flashed him a sincere smile, her cheeks teary " it does Spenc, and am going to be by your side every step of the way, every step of this dark road, am going to reach the end of it with you, we're going to find the light together, am not going to lie and say that i understand, because i probably don't, but i do care spencer, i do care and i won't ever leave you alone" she patted his shoulder reassuringly

Reid gazed at her, with his miserable eyes, like a puppy, he said nothing. instead he kept crying silently.

"can i ask you question?" JJ asked hesitantly.  
Reid nodded without actually paying attention,

"how, um.. how long have you, um..been doing uh, this to yourself spencer?"  
Reid decided he wanted to act dumb because he'd rather not answer that question

"doing what?"

"you know what am talking about spencer."

"no i don't, i told you theres n-"

JJ cut him off by pulling up his other sleeve and gasping as she saw that it was almost 50% covered in cuts and scars  
"Spence" she mumbled in shock.  
at that moment Reid couldn't look at her anymore so he quickly pulled down his sleeve and started fiddling with his buttons, avoiding the blonde's gaze  
"answer me." she said firmly  
"..about uh, a year" he answered hesitantly  
"oh gosh Spencer sweetie, this shouldn't be happening to you"  
he smirked "well, it is happening" he cut her off sarcastically, the sadness audible in his voice  
"listen spencer, you won't do that to yourself ever again ok? you won't hurt yourself and you certainly won't end your life"  
JJ felt weird saying those words, they shouldn't be said especially not to Reid, he deserved better, he's too pure for this  
"whatever" reid said carelessly.  
"wait a second" JJ got up to leave the living room but before she did she turned around and walked back, grabbed the knife with her "just in case.." she said under her breath, and then walked out.

a few moments later JJ came back and saw Reid in the same position, she sighed  
she walked towards him with a first aid kit in her hands and she started cleaning his fresh cuts, then she put a band aid on it and,  
to Reid's surprise, she kissed the band aid gently.

Reid felt prickles up his spine and his face flushed

"just so you know, it hurts me when you're hurt.." JJ said quietly without looking him straight in the eye,  
Reid shifted awkwardly.

she helped him up to his feet and then they both sat on the couch,  
JJ held his hand the entire time they were sitting, sometimes Reid felt like she was holding too tight, but she couldn't help it, she wanted to save him, to snatch him from his miserable reality to a better life.

so they just sat there, both of them quite for what felt like forever  
"this would've been the last time i did this you know.." reid blurted out of nowhere  
"what do you mean" startled, jj asked in confusion  
"this would've been the last time i hurt myself, if you didn't walk in.." Reid said starring at the nothingness before him  
it took JJ a few seconds for it to sink in "ohhh god spencer"  
her face suddenly lost its color "you were going to kill yourself oh god…"  
" i don't even know whether am happy or not that you walked in on me…" he laughed which seemed inappropriate to JJ but she pushed away her confusion and said in her most soothing, caring, loving voice "well am 110% sure am happy i walked in" she gave a sincere smile,  
reid shot it back with a half smile and whispered a thank you under his breath

then the silence fell again, for a while  
this time it was JJ who broke the silence

"promise me you won't ever do that again, ever" she asked without looking at him,  
silence fell again for seconds  
jj repeated firmly "promise!"  
"am sorry for causing all of this this JJ..am sorry i got you in this mess.."  
jj didn't say anything so Reid knew this wasn't the answer she's looking for so he tried again  
"okay, i..i promise"  
jj sighed "thank you!"

she tightened her grip on his hand  
jj was taken by surprise when reid laid down and put his head on her thigh, curled up and just fell asleep immediately, his cheeks still wet in tears  
she took of her long scarf that she wore because it was chilly outside, and put it over his body to warm him up  
after a while, maybe it was an hour? two? maybe 3? they didn't know  
JJ has never been so thankful as much as she was now, thankful she made it here in time before that knife made some real damage. Before she lost Reid for good.  
and after a long time of guilty thinking, JJ dozed off to sleep with Reid's head on her thigh, near midnight.

**Authors Note:** this is my very first fanfic so Reviews would be greatly appreciated;) (don't hesitant, really!)

thanks for reading !xx


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

After a long night of uncomfortable sleep disturbed by nightmares and scary thoughts, Reid woke up at 7:00am to see JJ looking down on him

"Morning sunshine" she smiled

Reid was startled, he quickly sat up and scooted over to the furthest end of the couch

"w-why was i sleeping here, with y..uh did you stay the night?"

he pushed away his long hair that was covering his eyes, nervous.

"You can leave now, i mean y-you don't have to uh, stay, please just, can you forget what happened yesterday" he shut his eyes, almost crying

"JJ oh my god am sorry about yesterday i don't know what got to me i was vain and selfish and, and just stupid and immature am really s-sorry i…please don't tell anyone from the team. they'll-"

JJ, overwhelmed with Reid's sudden question burst, didn't answer, she just scooted closer to him with a smile plastered on her face, she hugged him and laughed "Spence sweetie, relax" she patted his back.

"Am sorry" Reid muttered under his breath

JJ stood and helped him up to his feet, and said with enthusiasm "ANYWAY rise and shine early bird" she giggled

"lets get you cleaned up, come on"

he sheepishly stood up with her.

she walked his motionless body out of the living room to his room,

she sat him on the edge of his bed as she went to his bathroom, turned on water of the bath.

splatters of dried blood on the floor caught her attention, sudden sadness overwhelmed her, Reid was going throw a lot and she didn't even notice.

she walked out and smiled brightly at him

"come on, a shower will be refreshing for you"

he didn't say anything but he stood and walked over to the bathroom

JJ was going to walk in with him but he stopped her

"What?" she asked.

"You're not going in with me." he said, weirded out

"well you're not going in alone either.."

Reid seemed hurt by her distrust "i promise you JJ i won't hurt myself, there's nothing in the bathroom you can check"

despite of the honesty in his voice JJ looked in the cabinets searching for sharp objects, anything that could snatch Reid out of her life,

she found a razor and a bottle of painkillers, she kept looking but didn't find anything else

"There, happy?" Reid said, a bit impatient.

JJ opened her mouth to speak but before words could come out, Reid cut her off with a sincere tone

"i promise you, JJ."

he looked her in the eyes and she felt like she believed him,

she touched his shoulder, shot him a smile that she hoped gave him some strength

"I'll be right out side if you need anything alright?"

he lifted the corner of his mouth in a half smile and nodded.

She walked out, praying to god nothing happens to him.

he stood against the door after he closed it and let out a long sigh,

he shut his eyes, trying to keep the tears from streaming down his face again,

he was sick of crying, of being sad, of hiding of his feelings, he was sick of everything and everyone.

he striped out of his clothes and walked in the running water, mixed with his salty tears,

he let it wash what felt like years worth of dirt from his skin, wash away the blood, the sadness, wash away all whats left of his pain.

* * *

After she brewed 2 cups of coffee and made breakfast with whatever she managed to find in the kitchen, which was eggs basically,

She placed everything on the table in front of the couch, and she curled up on the couch, covered her legs with a blanket that was thrown there,

she was tired, she didn't really 'sleep' last night.

she took a sip of her coffee and started thinking about all thats happened yesterday, she still didn't feel like it did truly happened, it was too surreal.

In the midst of her jumbled thoughts, something caught her attention,

she glanced with corner of her eyes and she saw 8 envelopes on the table stand next to the couch, she took a closer look, saw one with her name on it, and paused.

was that really what she thought it was? her first instinct was to open it, but then she decided not to, she had to respect his privacy, but she was sure asking him about it as soon as he got out,

so she sat back and drowned in her thoughts again, she saw some DVDs in the shelf under the TV,

she had a bright idea and a smile flickered on her face.

About 45 minutes later, Reid walked out of the bathroom in his bathrobe, drying his hair with a towel and into the living room,

JJ's face brightened as she saw him "Spence, you're here"

"i am" a ghost of a smile was the only thing JJ saw on his pale face, she returned the smile bigger, brighter!

she wanted him to get as much positivity as she could provide

"i see you've made coffee" Reid said

"and eggs" she reached for the DVDs on the coffee table "and i've got a surprise for you, she flashed him a toothy smile

"what?" said Reid curiously

"we're having a Doctor who Marathon!" she said enthusiastically

"but you've never-" Reid sounded suspicious but before he asked JJ cut him off

"I know you really like it so i decided to give it try, you wouldn't be obsessed with it if it wasn't good now would you?" she teased

"Come on" She placed the DVD in the player and pressed play

"you have to explain everything to me tho, am a noob"

"my pleasure Jennifer jareue, my pleasure" Reid smiled sincerely, really appreciating JJ's attempts of making him feel better, which he felt, were working.

* * *

They spent hours watching doctor who, and eating chips that JJ found in the kitchen, laughing or crying at whatever happens on Screen

"Did you know that the wheezing sound emitted by the Tardis when it travels was originally created by Brian Hodgson, at the BBC Radiophonic Workshop by recording the sound of a set of house keys being dragged along the strings of an old piano and adding echo and reverb effect"

Reid said, seeming 10x more like himself than he was an hour ago. blurting the fact with hand gestures like he always does

"oh wow, thats amazing" JJ said genuinely fascinated, and incredibly happy to see Reid smiling

Reid smiled bigger.

He really loved their situation right now. her head laid on his shoulder, she stared up at him.

and unconsciously, He leaned in to kiss her, but he stopped himself right in time, he leaned back quickly, with his arm on his forehead, steadied himself and apologized

"am sorry. that was inappropriate. i really don't,..dont know what got to me am sorry i-"

JJ didn't say anything she just leaned in and kissed him. she took him by surprise but he kissed back. savoring every split second of the moment.

it felt like decades, centuries, it felt like forever.

* * *

"Spencer" JJ said, hesitantly

"yes?"

"um, i was meaning to ask you about something but i, um-"

"what is it JJ?" he encouraged her.

"those envelopes, they were on that table" she pointed. "are they, um.. are they really what i think they are?" she asked, suddenly feeling (and looking) sad again

"…." Reid didn't say anything. instead he just fumbled with the buttons on his robe

JJ tugged on his sleeve" Spencer!" she urged him. pleading.

Reid opened his mouth but nothing came out

"it is, isn't it?" JJ sounded shockd

Reid just nodded

JJ was at a loss of words, so she just hugged him tightly

"can i, um- can i read mine?" she sounded hesitant

"i really think you shouldn't JJ, it'd be best for the both of us, and for our relationship, i wasn't 100% sane when i wrote them, please don't be mad i just-"

JJ cut him off with her finger on his mouth "shh. its okay, i understand"

Reid silently thanked her, he didn't want her reading his suicide note, and how he truly felt towards her.. his actual feelings about her.

he didn't want the first time he tells he loves her to be on a suicide note, she deserved better.

"Am Sorry."

"me too" he mumbled

* * *

now that they were behind the apologizes and am sorry's,

They just sat there, JJ's head on his lap, they turned off the DVD and spent the rest of the day just talking and opening up to each other.

it all just felt natural, like it was meant to happen,

even though she might just be pitying me, Reid thought. but pushed those thoughts out of his head. this wasn't the proper time. why ruin something so special over such trivial thoughts, he decided he wanted to savor every second of the moment. and that he did.

"it was like.. i don't really know.. it was just wrong" JJ said quietly

"Am sorry" Reid tightened his grip on her hand reassuringly.

"it's okay, am of kind of over it now. I know it sounds wrong, like how can you get over losing a sister?" she sounded monotoned, like she was trying to convince herself before the world. "but what i mean is, am over feeling sad about it, No. that sounds wrong too" she sounded flustered.

"Hey! listen to me, i understand okay?" Reid looked her straight in the eyes.

"Accepting a tragedy and forgetting that it happened are two different things" he smiled softly

"you took your time to grief but you've accepted what happened eventually, which is the brave thing to do, it doesn't mean that you forgot about her at all"

he reassured her.

"i think about her everyday" a single tear dripped down her cheek,

Reid wiped it off with his hand."you're so strong, Jennifer"

he held her chin in his hand, looked her straight in her blue shiny eyes, nothing spreates them but a few inches.

"I'm proud of you." he said it, and she could swear she felt it, she felt its sincerity.

she gently kissed him on his lips and he blushed, turning completely red.

"easy there, your putting tomatoes to shame" she giggled

and he blushed even more "um, do you want some w-water? ah am kind of, kind of thirsty" he mumbled awkwardly "Am gonna go get some water"

and then quickly shot up and went to the kitchen

JJ laughed, hugging her knees, she whispered to herself "You're a sweet man"

* * *

**AN**: ah they're so cute asdghjkl. hehe

i really hope you enjoyed this chapter, looking forward to reading your thoughts and reviews, they really do motivate me 3 keep them comin'

and stay tuned for the next chapter, coming soon!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

At around 2:30pm that day, Reid ordered them some lunch. Since his kitchen was almost empty.

He really couldn't remember the last time he went grocery shopping. In the last few weeks, 'food' wasn't really his highest priority.

They were eating their food and talking about Doctor who, which to Reid's surprise, JJ was really loving.

JJ's phone rang

"its Hotch" she swallowed her food and was about to answer, but Reid held he hand, nervousness suddenly washing over his pale face

"Please don't tell him anything." he pleaded

Jennifer smiled, and answered the phone "Hi Hotch"

Reid was shaking his leg really fast, and rubbing his neck nervously

he could only hear her side of the conversation though, which made him worry even more

"Am great, how're you doing? …. what do you mean Rossi is back wasn't he supposed to also be on vacation?….Oh, thats Rossi.." she laughed

"oh Yeah i stopped by his house yesterday…"

This is when Reid's eyes widened, Thats it. his secret is now out to the whole team.

But he was taken by surprise with what JJ said

"No no He's fine really, don't worry….he was just really sick…he had a fever and was sort of hallucinating yesterday so i had to stay the night but other than that he's fine….Yes….mhm….i can assure you Hotch, nothing is wrong….yeah…i thought he might need some company…okay…oh have fun…okay Hotch…see you on monday, bye"

and with that she ended the conversation, and Reid let out a sigh of relief.

"Somebody's a little nervous" she teased and took a sip from a glass of water

Reid shot her a dirty look and smiled

"No am not. i just don't want them to treat me differently, thats all" he also took a sip of water to avoid eye contact

"i didn't treat you differently." the blonde stated.

"well, you're different" he shrugged, blushing a little.

"Oh, Am i?" she laughed, it was the prettiest laugh Spencer has ever heard "Am flattered"

"Yes. You're…" Reid hesitated to complement her..but he avoided looking her in the eye and said it anyway

"you're special, you care..but not to the point where i feel like a baby. you understand..you make me feel better, Jennifer, You're very special"

Reid's eyes widened. did he really just say that?

he was about to take it all back and apologize but Jennifer talked before he managed to say anything

"its because thats what you deserve, Spencer. you deserve to be treated differently. not because you're weird. but because your better than most people. you're smart, but not cocky. you're sweet, you care"

She held his hand from across the table and said "and you're Very Very handsome"

Reid could've sworn he saw her wink,

Right now he felt like he was hallucinating for real. Was he really having a fever like JJ suggested to Hotch? and this whole thing is only a dream? a figment of his imagination? Because thats it felt like. A dream.

he avoided her compliment "i think i figured it out"

"figured what out?" JJ smiled at his awkwardness

"whether or not am happy you walked in on me in time yesterday"

"yeah?" she leaned, resting her elbows on the table and her chin on her hands

"I've never been more grateful for anything in my entire life." he stated simply, with a big smile and audible sincerity

he held her hand with both of his hands, which made JJ blush

Reid was surprised, was this really happening,

did he really just made a woman blush? maybe he was having a fever after all. He smiled at the conversation he was having inside his head,

and JJ picked up on it

"wanna tell me whats going in that big brain of yours?" she smiled

"oh nothing. Am just really really glad i know someone like you" he tried to contain his smile. But failed

JJ turned red and looked down

Spencer laughed "careful Jennifer, your putting tomatoes to shame" he teased her, just like she teased him a few hours ago

she poked him "HEY!"

and they both laughed, and laughed until their stomaches hurt.

* * *

By 10:30pm, they were drinking more whine, eating more takeaway, watching more doctor who, and sharing more stories.

"No, never" Reid answered

"Really?! you've never had an actual girlfriend"

"Nope. unless you count Lila archer, from that case in 2005" Reid stated, simply.

"see, you did have a girlfriend" she poked him playfully "its mind boggling how a guy like you has never had a girlfriend to be honest.." JJ said, to no one in particular

_Well, YOU coud've asked me out_, Reid thought, but didn't say it out loud.

"Not really, my awkwardness works like a shield.. it pushes girls away" he joked

"no one wants to date a man who stumbles on his own feet, even while carrying a gun" He chuckled

"i wouldn't mind" Jennifer whispered, with a soft smile, scooting closer to him, but he didn't hear her.

* * *

"ugh can i please just have her hair" JJ exclaimed, about Karen Gillan off doctor who

Reid shrugged "Did you know she used to be a model? she was scouted before she started acting."

JJ smiled "she sure makes a pretty model"

"oh my-" she gasped

"whats wrong?" Reid leaned closer

"its 11:50"

Reid seemed confused. "Uh, so?"

He didn't want her to leave but he couldn't say it out loud

"Reid," JJ exclaimed, sounding embarrassed "i spent the entire day and its kind of, i don't now.. in-"

JJ was going to say she thought it was inappropriate, apologize, and leave, but Reid cut her off.

"please don't go." he said, not directly to her. staring at his shoes, biting his lips, sounding insanely sad which broke JJ's heart

"oh Spencer," she stepped closer to him, and touched his shoulder "are you sure you're okay with me staying over for another day?"

Reid nodded "Yeah, it made me feel better" he quickly exclaimed "unless if you don't want to! which i completely understand, really. you probably have other plans. come to think of it..you should probably go, I'll be fine-"

JJ smiled, he's rambling again. she didn't give him a chance to finish talking. she just embraced him and said softly

"I'm staying the night, "

his smiled widened, God, she made him feel so good.

* * *

"JJ come on, am totally fine with sleeping on the couch you can have the-" Reid exclaimed

"shut your mouth, smartiepants" she cut him off

"your sleeping in your own bed. End of discussion" she told him matter-of-factly as she fluffed a pillow on the couch.

"whatever you say," Reid gave up

"i can you give you a shirt, uh- i mean, if you want to, um-" he said awkwardly

"Yes, Reid. that'd be lovely" she smiled at him gratefully

he walked back to his room then walked out with an over sized shirt with a TARDIS on it.

Reid shifted awkwardly as he handed her the shirt "um-i hope its okay-"

"its perfect" she shot him a sincere smile.

he blushed. "well, um- good night" he smiled

"Night"

* * *

As Reid slipped under his sheets, a smile plastered across his face.

he didn't really know where JJ stands in their relationship, she probably just thinks their friends.

But Reid didn't care. He knew he loved her. For years he has been in love with her. And whether or not she loved him back, was a matter that Reid pushed to the back of his mind

he didn't need to think about that now. Because right now he was happy. And he didn't want to ruin the best day of his life.

just like that he dozed off to sleep.

He touched his wrist and felt something sticky,_ Blood! _

he gasped, pushed off the sheets and saw that his entire body was covered in scars. every inch of his skin. and each scar he looked at it mocked him. reminded him of his darkest moments:

_Tobias,_

_Charles,_

_Adam,_

_His father,_

_Gideon,_

_Emily,_

_Doctors,_

_drugs,_

_his team,_

he saw his team starring at him and laughing. the room was filled with these people.

he climbed out of bad, he was confused, he wanted to run towards Emily, but at the same time he had to run away from Tobais.

Tobais got to him before he reached Emily, and he felt him stick a needle to his arm.

He saw JJ at the corner of the Room she was the only the one who was just standing still.

He screamed "JJ HELP ME, JJ PULL IT OUT"

he felt a tiny splash of water on his face, he gasped. then suddenly he was out of it. he was in his normal room, with only JJ by his side

she hugged him tightly "am sorry i had to use water you weren't responding" She sounded worried.

Reid was shivering in terror "he almost got to me again" he whimpered, with a shaky voice.

"its okay Spence. it was just a dream, it was just a dream" she held him tighter, muttering things that Reid didn't quite register, but felt were helping.

after a few minutes Reid calmed down, and she gave him a glass of water.

"you were screaming really loud i was so worried"

"I'm- i'm fine, am sorry i woke you up-"

"DONT apologize" she gritted between her teeth, and then followed softly "you were simply having a nightmare, no need for apologizes"

"i just," he shifted his position "i thought that after last night and what happened between me and yo-" he swallowed

"i just thought i was happy, and i was past all of the _ ' jumping out of sleep in terror thing_ ' " he stated, sounding genuinely disappointed.

JJ tightened her grip on his hand "baby steps, okay?" she murmured "just like i was here today am gonna be by your side every other day. Okay?"

Reid didn't say anything

"it takes time, but eventually, it does happen" she assured him

"thanks JJ"

she smiled "now, go back to sleep"

"um- i think i might stay and read a book or something" he said nervously

JJ climbed into bed next to him, but not too close

"Read to me then" she closed her eyes.

Reid was shocked, taken aback by her gesture.

he turned burning Red and start stuttering, trying to read the novel he was holding out loud to her,

JJ knew he would NOT fall asleep alone, she knew he was scared. so she decided sit across from him, as he reads to her until he sleeps because she knew he was tired and will probably fall asleep quickly, knowing she's next to him

and then she was planning to walk out of bed when he sleeps to the living room, quietly.

Reid secretly knew that too, which he silently thanked her for.

but to her surprise, Reid's voice was so soothing, that she actually fell asleep before him, and Reid suddenly, not aware of himself dozed off to sleep too.

Both of them. on the same bed.

**A/N:** I really hope you guys liked this one :-) i've getting comments about my grammar, am sorry about that but english isn't my first language but am trying to improve :D maybe i'd get a beta reader or something idk

anyways i would really appreciate your thoughts and reviews, they really inspire me to write! :) x


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

After a long night of moans and disturbing nightmares, not bad to the point where it woke him up, Thankfully.  
Reid opened his eyes slowly trying to adjust to the sunlight streaming in from the window.  
First thing he saw was blondness. He gasped.  
he tried to silently wiggle himself out of bed without waking the blonde next to him.

It didn't work.  
She blinked, annoyed by the light "hmm"  
Reid froze.  
She sat up. it took her a few seconds to fully understand whats happening. Her eyes widened.  
She was at Reid's. Sleeping on his bed, wearing his shirt.  
It sounded wrong on so many levels.  
She finally paid attention to the man who was staring at her awkwardly.  
"um-" she tried to say something, Anything. But failed  
"uh am gonna take a shower, i'll-i guess i should just leave now or-" He struggled  
rubbing the back of his neck. Her nervousness made him nervous  
"yeah yeah you should-" she gulped "totally yes" she barely managed to say.  
Reid just quickly headed to the bathroom. not quite sure whats about to happen.

* * *

JJ decided to use the other bathroom in the living room, she put on yesterday's clothes and sat on the couch biting her lips.  
Reid walked out of the bathroom and saw that JJ was already dressed.  
he opened his mouth to say something about their last 'incident' but JJ cut him off  
"Hey, you're out. Come on i found cornflakes" she half smiled and walked straight to the kitchen not waiting for a reply.  
He sighed and followed her. she pulled out 2 bowls and poured the cereal and milk in them.  
"you have some serious grocery shopping to do Mister" she teased  
Reid let out a little laugh but then said, in a more serious tone  
"Look JJ, about what happened-"  
"we can choose not to talk about what happened.." she said quietly, avoiding his gaze.  
"but heres the thing, nothing really happened." he stated  
JJ stopped pouring the milk half way throw and stared at him  
"Really?" she carefully asked  
"Yes" Reid confirmed.  
JJ let out a sigh of relief. "ah thank God"  
"wow, thats how bad you'd hate it.." he laughed, but still a bit hurt.  
"No no, Reid sweetie thats not what i meant" she looked at him sincerely  
Reid smiled "Nah, its okay" he said quietly  
"Am serious Reid, its not that i don't want to- um you know.. its not you-"  
Reid cut her off "Its okay Jennifer" He shrugged with a smile  
"Shall we?" He asked, referring to the cereal and avoiding the subject.  
JJ was about to protest, but decided not to "Bon appétit " she mustered a smile  
So they ate.

* * *

"Any bad nightmares when you went back to sleep?" JJ asked, trying to kill the silence before it kills them.  
"Plenty." Reid shrugged with a smirk  
"Am sorry"  
"you helped" He looked at her with gradtuide  
She smiled "Am glad"  
He took a sip from his coffee.

* * *

Reid was about to get up and put his bowl in the sink but JJ stopped him  
"uh-uh, I can do it" JJ took the bowl from him  
"honestly JJ i can do my own dishes-" he protested  
"Just because i asked whether or not you had nightmares yesterday doesn't mean I didn't hear you moaning all night" she stated  
Reid opened his mouth to say something but JJ spoke,  
"can you go rest on the couch?" she said in a caring tone "Please?" she smiled at him  
He smiled, nodded and sat in the living room.

* * *

JJ sat next to him on the couch  
"About what i said…"  
"You don't have to apologize i get it" He smiled.  
"Its not you, i swear. I just don't want you to think am taking advantage of you-"  
"take advantage of me! JJ i know you'd never do that. I know"  
"I really like you Spence, i just don't want you to think my feelings have anything to do with me feeling sorry for you"  
Reid smiled, its like she was reading his mind  
"you don't?" He asked, the smile still on his face  
"don't like you or don't feel sorry for you?" She asked, teasing  
"either" His smile widened  
"Well.." she adjusted herself and sat closer to him "I do like you" She said, seductively.  
He blushed.  
"And no, i don't feel sorry for you" She wrapped her hands around his shoulder "I'm proud of you." She said sincerely.  
"Jennifer," he said, his cheeks had a rosy tint to them "I don't think i've ever loved spending time with a woman more" He looked at her lovingly, got lost in her deep blue eyes  
For a while they just sat, her arms wrapped around his shoulders, her chin rested on his chest, feeling his heartbeat, his breaths.  
With every breath he took she fell more in love.

Later that afternoon JJ's phone started buzzing  
"Its Hotch" she answered and put it on speaker  
"Hey Hotch" JJ greeted  
"JJ, hey! hows the vacation going?"  
JJ smiled at Reid "Amazing." and he blushed  
"Am sorry to be the one that ends this but we have a case"  
JJ seemed bummed "'No" she pouted "what and where"  
"4 teenagers in Los angeles were found dead in their bathrooms, it was staged to look like sucide but their families all think otherwise"  
"okay i'll be there"  
"wheels up in 2 hours" Hotch said and quickly followed "Hey do you know why Reid's phone is off? i've been trying to reach him"  
JJ looked at Reid "don't worry Hotch i'll stop by his house on my way to the BAU"  
JJ shut her phone "guess we're going to LA"  
"yeah…" he fiddled with his thumbs  
Reid wasn't quite sure he could go to work right now. he wasn't sure if he was ready.  
and with that they both got dressed and left his apartment to go to work.

**A/N: **ah you guys thank you so much for all the reviews they really keep me going :D! i hope you enjoyed this chapter, its a bit of a filler but i thought it'd do for now :) how do you think Reid will adjust to working on a case about suicide? and JJ? stay tuned and please, review :D thanks x


	5. Chapter 5

_**TRIGGERING! **_

Chapter 5:

JJ drove her car, Reid in the seat next to her. She noticed how nervous Reid was, picking his nails and fiddling with the buttons on his purple cardigan.

"Okay, spit it out" JJ's hands rested on the steering wheel, as she stopped for the red light

"what're you talking about" Reid shrugged

"Don't play games with me Spence, why are you acting strange?"

"i don't know. Am just not ready..i thought i'd have these few days off to re organize my thoughts but am not sure am ready-"

"Ready to work on a case? you've done that before Reid come on-"

"No.." Reid cut her off

"its not that, am just..am not ready to meet the team yet"

JJ looked at him, not fully understanding what he means

"just two days ago i wrote suicide letters to every one of them Jennifer"

"Oh.." JJ finally began to understand

"Am not sure i can look them in the eye after how selfish i was.."

"you, were not selfish, sweetie" JJ looked him straight in the eye

he stared at her, blankly. Lost. just like he stared at her 2 days ago when she first walked in on him.

She felt bad, looked down and said "if anything, _we_ were selfish" sounding sad.

She placed her hand on his thigh, and looked at him

"But i stopped being careless. And i started to notice. I care. I care about you and i won't leave you alone on this trip, okay?"

"Thanks." He said with gratitude.

she smiled at him, reassuringly.

* * *

In the bullpen, Rossi, Morgan and Hotch were all staring directly at Reid when he walked in followed by JJ which made him nervous

"Hi" he mustered

"Hey kid, you okay?" Morgan carefully asked

Reid nodded and quickly answered, brushing him off

"why wouldn't i be" he shrugged

"okay.." Morgan said.

JJ got flashbacks of how how many times they asked him this exact question and he answered it this exact way and they always assumed he was telling the truth. But this time it was different. This time she knew what he was hiding.

she felt so bad. Overwhelmed with guilt. So she shot him a reassuring smile.

they all took their seats. All seats were occupied except for 2, Garcia's. And what used to be Emily's.

JJ found Reid starring at Emily's chair, as Garcia walked in.

She walked past the team to the board, She passed by Reid and fluffed his hair and whispered with a smile

"missed you kiddo" he smiled at her, greatful.

Garcia was about to begin presenting the case

"Welcome back, my loving team of super heros"

"Am sorry to ruin everyone's vacation but sadly, sickos won't stop acting like sickos, which sucks really, i was about to order this really pretty pair of heels when Hotch called me in-" Garcia said, dreamingly.

But Hotch dismissed her "Garcia.."

"Yes, The case. Sorry" She came back to reality

the team, except for Hotch, chuckled.

she tapped her tablet and pictures of a blonde female sitting dead on her bedroom floor flashed on the big screen

"3 weeks ago, 15 year old Isabelle Clemments was found dead in her bedroom on a saturday night, next to her was a suicide note which her family says is not written in her handwriting" Garcia said, as the pictures flashed on the big screen

"A week later, also on a Saturday night, 16 year old Kimberly Hufflebrown was found in her basement where she usually plays her xbox, also with the a suicide note"

"the police linked them because both notes were written in the same handwriting?" JJ asked.

"Yes. Dear that would be correct. exact same words too" Garcia answered her.

"Cause of death?" Rossi asked

"For Isabelle it was 2 huge slits on each wrist, and i mean HUGE. Those cuts we're wide!" Garcia looked disgusted

"He wanted to make sure they'd die but at the same time he wanted it to look like suicide.." Reid noted

"It almost didn't work out too well for him tho" Garcia stated

"why?" Aaron asked.

"Isabelle's mom came home early from work that day and walked in on her before she was fully unconscious, she rushed her to the hospital but sadly, she didn't make it"

"did they manage to get anything about the unsub from Isabelle?" JJ asked.

"No. But his next victim Kimberly was found with the same slits on her hands, BUT, get this. she also had a stab wound in her stomach. she died faster than Isabelle" Garcia nodded in disgust

"he's developing" Rossi noted

"becoming more sufficient" JJ added

"he realized the slits weren't enough, so now he's resorted to stabbing" Reid monotoned

JJ gazed at him from the corner of her eye

"the other two victims, Laura Brooke and Bree Fitz were found with the same stab wounds and the suicide note" Garcia contuined.

"we're late, we'll carry on on the jet and when we get there. wheels up in 20."

Hotch pushed his chair back and got up. the rest of the team followed.

* * *

On the jet, Reid was sitting next to the window, starring down at the clouds.

everyone else we're minding their business, Hotch and David were standing next to the coffee counter, JJ was in the bathroom stall, Morgan was walking down the isle making his way to Reid

He sat across from him, rested his elbows on the table and said

"okay kid spit it out"

Reid looked up

"spit what out" he said in an overly confused manner

"Whats been happening in your life pretty boy?"

"Nothing" Reid shrugged

"You got yourself a lady huh" Morgan teased with a sly smile,

He said it jokingly but was surprised to see the rosy tint in Reid's cheek

"i don't know what you're talking about" he said carelessly avoiding his gaze.

"Oh My God, kid you serious? who is she? Oh My God" said Morgan, Surprised. Chuckling.

and on that note JJ walked out and headed their way

"Hey JJ, looks like Reid's been having some fun time behind our backs" Morgan said, the words felt funny as he was saying them

"what're you talking about" she seemed confused

"he has a lady in his life"

he made kissing sounds with his lips

Reid reddened

JJ brushed him off, for Reid's sake

"Oh, Grow up Morgan, leave him alone." she sat next to him

Morgan laughed and they were interrupted by Hotch and Rossi sitting across from them

"Lets review the case shall we" Hotch demanded.

* * *

In Ashley Shelton's, the last victim's bedroom, Hotch was towering over her body, trying to study every aspect.

"The note was left the exact same way as the previous victims" Morgan noted

"On their Right side, black ink, signed with capitalized, underlined initials" Hotch said

"Take them to ASAP, he'll get more off of the handwriting than us" Hotch ordered and an officer nodded.

"on second thought, call in and agents Jaraeue and Rossi and Reid please, they need to take a final look on the crime scene before we take things to the lab"

The officer nodded and went downstairs to call them,

they were in the living room and were about to interview the parents.

But the officer called them before they started asking questions.

they excused themselves and went upstairs to check out the crime scene.

* * *

"No way" JJ said under her breath

"whats wrong?" Morgan asked her.

"the cuts on the wrists, they're not hesitant, whoever did this probably cuts himself" JJ said

"why would you say that?" Morgan sounded confused

"The way these cuts are open, he hit major arteries with one cut. he knew what he was doing, it takes courage to self harm you dont just do it overnight "

JJ closed her eyes, pushing the thought of her sister out of her mind

She opened her eyes and they met Reid's. She felt better.

"So our unsub is disturbed" Morgan noted and she nodded

Reid was distracting himself with looking through her journals. he couldn't hear the talk about cutting

"Reid come see this" Hotch called

Reid hesitated, but walked over eventually and Hotch gave him the suicide note

Reid sneaked a look at the body and was overwhelmed with flashbacks, his bathroom, blades, blood, relief.

he shook his head and got rid of those thoughts.

But the older profiler picked up on it

"are you alright?" Hotch asked, concerned.

"yeah yeah"

Reid wiped the sweat of his forehead and walked out of the room to study the note.

i have to go. my time is over.

i would've still been here if you didn't neglect me.

am sorry but Its too late for apologizes.

actually am not sorry. take your apology and shove it!

no Am just confused right now. I think its my time

i love you both, Tell my brother i love him too

please forgive me

please don't forget me

Love,

**AS**

"The Grammar, Punctuation, Handwriting and choice of words like shove it and am confused all indicate the unsub is a teenager" Reid said focused on the note

"Good. Teenager. Thats a step" Hotch said under his breath

"Mrs Shelton, was Ashley troubled? does this sound like something she'd write?" Reid asked

"Oh Gosh, No. Ashley was happy. She was a cheerleader, She goes out with her friends all the time. We have family dinners every Sunday and she's always bubbly during them. We went to Disneyland just 2 weeks ago and she wouldn't stop talking about he much she enjoyed it up until last night." she said

"How old is her brother?" Reid asked

"Brother?" She sounded confused

"i only have Ashley and Tessa, her 7 year old sister" she answered

"hmm" Reid was thinking "Okay, Thanks for your time "

He left the house and met with the team in the police department.

* * *

He asked for files for all the victims, and photos of all crime scenes

He stayed alone in the boardroom with a big cup of coffee

First, He pinned pictures of all victims on the board, and wrote down their info under it

#1 Isabelle Clemments.

15

Blonde

Single parent household

Mom: waitress

1 brother

#2 Kimberly Hufflebrown

16

Blonde

Single parent household

Mom: Doctor

2 brothers

#3 Laura Brooke

15

Blonde

Both parent present

Mom: bartender

Dad: owns a store in a gas station

1 brother

#4 Bree Fitz

16

Blonde

one parent house hold

Dad: owns a restaurant

no siblings

#5 Ashley Shelton

16

Blonde

one parent house hold

Mom: Nurse

1 sister

"Hi, Garcia i need a favor"

"anything for you sweet cheeks"

"pull up the names of all the victim's parents"

Reid heard her type fast. "Done"

"Now i want you to send me all of their work schedule for Saturdays since the killings starting" He paused

"and i want the ages of all of their siblings" He added

"Why whatcha got" She asked playfully

"Garcia…" Said Reid impatiently

"Jesus Sorry Mr. Cranky" She laughed "will send them to in the speed of light. My love is strong" and with that the line went off

4 minutes Reid opened received the info he'd asked for

he started reading them fast and making notes.

and he read and re read the note the unsub left

he spent around 6 hours in that office, alone. studying

* * *

"I think i have a theory" Reid stormed in

"Shoot" Morgan said, sitting down and the team followed

"I figured, how does a teenager bleed to death in his own home without their parents or at least siblings knowing?" Reid pulled opened his marker and headed to the board

"so i asked Garcia to send me some information, Victim #1, Isabelle. Her Mother's a waitress and her shift ends 1am on saturdays, her younger brother is 7 so his bedtime is early"

The team nodded, seeing where he was going with this.

"I checked with the other victims all of their parents work in late on saturdays and have young siblings who probably have early bedtimes" Reid explained

"So our unsub is organized, he prepares and he stalks before he makes his first move" JJ noted

"Exactly." Reid said pulling up his sleeve "i studied the note over and over, and i believe who ever wrote it was between the ages of 17-21"

"you can tell that from his handwriting?" Rossi asked, not convinced

"you can tell a lot from ones handwriting" Reid shrugged

he continued "Females rarely use terms like 'shove it' so i assume its a male" Reid blurted

"So, we've got an organized, disturbed, male in his late teens to early twenties"

Reid nodded "I tried to figure out a meaning for what he wrote"

"and?" Hotch asked

"I think our unsub might've lost a sibling to suicide"

the team seemed interested, Reid carried on

"He lost a brother when he was young, felt betrayed. so now he's giving people a taste of what he went through"

"what makes you say that?" Morgan asked, Not convinced

"The suicide note, its obviously copied from another suicide note. He sticked to saying 'tell my brother i love him' even when he obviously knew some of them didn't have any brothers because he stalked them. that brother he was talking about, is himself" Reid explained

"Makes sense." Rossi nodded slowly

"Yeah, but how do we find him?" JJ asked.

"thats what i still haven't figured out.." Reid was taking aback.

and they all stared at each other.

* * *

**A/N: HELLO! sorry this chapter is a bit late but i've been quite sick lately :( am really looking forward to reading your thoughts and reviews! they make my day:)) Hope you enjoyed reading! **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **trigger warning: self-harm and suicide.

Chapter 6

They spent 2 hours of consist looking and thinking, trying to find a connection between the victims  
"Guys i found something!" Garcia popped up on the screen on the opened computer.  
"What is it baby girl?" Morgan asked, and they all shifted their attention to the screen.  
"So i didn't find anything connecting those girls, nothing. zero" Garcia said  
"They went to different cafes, shopped in different malls, and went to different schools" she continued  
"We already established that Garcia" Hotch sighed.  
"Yes, indeed. But this is when my genius strikes" She grinned "i decided i'd widen my search to outside of town"  
"And?" Rossi asked  
"And, get this, all of them went to the same camp last summer" she said, sounding pleased with herself.  
"Where is it Baby girl?"  
"two hours outside of town"  
they all got up and hurried towards the SUV at Hotch's order

* * *

On their way, Garcia was on speaker telling them all she could get on that camp  
"Its your normal summer camp, but everyone is free to do whatever they want"  
"what do you mean?"  
"Basically, its a high school, cliques. Jocks, filmmakers, writers, cheerleaders. And they're not too strict everyone does whatever they want"  
"who runs it?"  
"A woman named Sara Smith, but she doesn't really interact with the kids"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Once the kids arrive at the camp, they choose which group they want to join، and they spend the entire time spent at that camp with that group and each group is led by an older student"

* * *

They arrived at the camp, met Sara Smith, talked to her, and cleared her alibi, and asked for permission to walk around the camp and talk to people  
"knock yourselves out"  
"alright, thank you" Hotch said as they left her office.

"Wait, before we split. what are we looking for exactly" Rossi asked.  
Hotch began to recite the profile  
"The unsub is probably a male. in his late teens to early twenties. he'll be very isolated. angry perhaps, and he has to be physically fit to manage those victims in their own homes. He'll have some sort of depression. look for signs of self-harm…"  
"You can't" Reid mumbled under his breath.  
"Excuse me?" Hotch asked, confused.  
"You won't be able to see it." Reid stated quietly, avoiding everyone's gaze by starring at his shoe.  
No one replied, they weren't really catching up with what he meant so he elaborated  
"When someone self-harms. They do their best to conceal the signs. long sleeves, a watch, etc. They're not proud of it. They're embarrassed by it. They hide it."  
Reid took a break, trying to pull himself together "So, No. You won't be able to see the signs"  
The team gazed at each other, then at Reid, in suspicion.  
after a pause, Hotch killed the silence carefully "..Okay, so those signs won't be easy to find, Thanks for the heads up Reid"  
Reid grabbed his messenger bag tighter, still avoiding their gaze.  
JJ just wanted to pause everything and embrace him in a warm hug, She felt terrible, She knew he was talking about himself.  
Her gaze met his, and she shot him a reassuring nod.  
"Shall we head out?" Rossi ushered.  
They split, JJ went with Rossi and Hotch to the Cafeteria while Morgan and Reid headed over to the cabins to question people.

* * *

They've cleared four cabins by now, They knocked the wooden door on the fifth cabin  
"What is it?" a short, but fit kid, around 17 asked, sounding bored.  
Morgan showed him hiss badge. The kid paused for a second and then opened the door entirely. allowing Morgan and Reid to walk in  
"You're with the FBI? you look about 12 or some shit." he smirked. but no one laughed, or smiled not even him.  
Reid shifted uncomfortably. But to his luck Morgan jumped in.  
"Listen kid, we don't have time for this right now, this is serious"  
"Someone killed a rich kid and ya'll just assumed it was us who did it huh" the oldest spoke from across the room. He looked about 21  
"You're responsible for the kids in this cabin?" Morgan questioned.  
"You got a problem with that?"  
"Not at all." Morgan said calmly. There were 5 kids. youngest not older than 15.  
They were mostly dressed in black. 3 of the older ones have piercings and all of them have tattoos.  
"So what do you do around here?" Morgan asked. Reid was glad Morgan was doing all the talking  
"We write." The head of the club answered.  
"What do you write about?"  
"Life."  
"Can we Read?"  
He paused for a second, sighed, and got up to a shelf on the wall.  
he reached up to pull down a file, and as he did, his sleeve moved up a bit and Reid noticed something, so he nudged Morgan, and he noticed it too.  
the boy handed Morgan a bunch of papers.  
"Enjoy."  
Morgan instinctually handed them to Reid because he's a faster reader.  
Reid started Reading and his eyes widened. he flinched.  
"What is it?" Morgan asked carefully.  
Reid gulped, trying so hard to ignore the nagging feeling inside of him. He handed them to Morgan.  
Morgan started reading and his eyes widened gradually.  
It was all about life, thats for sure. But in the most depressing way possible.  
They wrote about the meaninglessness of life. The lack of motive to stay alive. it described exactly why and how one self harms. They words they wrote sucks the life out of anyone who read it.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Morgan barked  
"What?" The older kid asked carelessly  
"Why in the wold would you tell young kids to live like that. To do that to themselves. Oh my God"  
"Hey! I didn't force anybody to do anything" The kid barked back.  
Morgan looked at Reid for backup.  
"Whats your name?" Reid asked, trying his best to maintain his calmness.  
"Jordan" He spat  
"Thanks for your time, Jordan" Reid pulled Morgan and left the room, fighting the urge to cry.  
Once they were outside Morgan yelled "What the hell did you do that for?"  
"What? We can just walk over to 's and ask her about him, we'll get more from her than him" he stated calmly.  
Morgan sighed "You're right, come on."  
"Call Hotch and the rest, i need to use the bathroom first"

He told Morgan a logical reason on why he decided to storm out of that cabin without asking more questions, but the real reason is, he wanted to get out.  
Those things they wrote triggered him. He needed an escape. A release.

* * *

"I think we found our guy Hotch, he's pretty messed up." Morgan spat  
"Where's Reid?" JJ ignored him, worriedly  
"I don't know, he said he needed the bathroom"  
JJ tried her best not to show any signs of worry in front of the team.  
She left the room quietly without being noticed. She knew something was up.

She hurried towards the bathrooms, She didnt find him in any of the stalls so she left and started to walk around. panicking.  
Until she saw him, Hiding behind a bush away from everyone. Head against the wall. Tears streaming. And, clutching a tiny blade.  
She was horrified. She got the exact knotted sick feeling in her stomach that she got when she walked in on him the first time.  
She gasped and ran towards him, snatching the blade from his hands before it touched his skin  
She pulled him into the tightest hug  
"I'm so sorry" He sobbed.  
"Don't be!" She hugged him tighter  
"i'm sorry am not strong enough" he kept crying, he couldn't stop. 'Stupid, Weak, Worthless' he thought.  
"You're stronger than you think Spence and i refuse to believe anything else" She said calmly, patting his back.  
"Don't Jennifer, Just don't" He sobbed "You've trusted me once and look what i did again, i've disappointed you." He sniffled  
She cupped his face and looked him straight in the eyes.  
"I came all the way here alone because i knew something was wrong"  
"See, even you knew am weak"  
"No! its not that." She sighed.  
"you don't recover over night. Somethings you can't just sleep off." She wiped his cheek with her thumb.  
"I knew last time i saw you won't actually be your last time, it's not that you can't stop, I know you can. i know that you'll get over it with time and love, and i'll give you both okay?" She hugged him again.  
He didn't say anything, he just cried in her embrace for the next few minute until he calmed down.  
"Stay strong for me" She whispered, fighting the tears.  
there was a short pause, before Reid got on his feet, wiped his face with his sleeve, took a deep breath, looked at the razor one last time, and tossed it in the bush  
"Come on"  
"Are you sure you're ready?"  
"Yes."  
She held his hand.  
"Am not letting you of my sight."  
Reid almost protested, but inside, he thanked her deeply.

* * *

They headed towards 's office and found the team reading through Jordan's files.  
Hotch dialed Garcia and she appeared on the screen  
"Aye Aye Captain" Garcia beamed  
"Garcia did you pull up what i asked you about Jordan's past?"  
"Yessir. and let me just tell you that kid is troubled with a capital T" she answered.  
"What happened to him baby girl?"  
"He had one brother. When Jordan was 9 his father left the family. No word from him after that. They struggled financially. Mom was alcoholic. Couldn't maintain a job."  
"How did they live?"  
"His older brother, Michael. He's 6 years older than Jordan. He dropped out of school to juggle 3 full-time jobs. Waiting tables and cleaning cars to support his family"  
"Where is he now?" Rossi asked  
"Dead" Garcia pouted. "Killed himself 3 years ago. " She sounded sad.  
The team stared at each other. The pieces were coming together.  
"He was found in his bedroom, bled to death. with only a note to his mom and Jordan." Garcia read quietly. the cheerfulness from earlier washing off gradually  
"And the mother?" Reid asked quietly  
"On the first anniversary of her son's suicide, she killed herself. Oh wow!" Garcia felt sick.  
"How could she leave her son alone!" Morgan barked.  
"Maybe she had no other choice" Reid whispered. No one heard what he said apart from JJ. and she shot him reassuring glare.  
"He was in a foster care until he was legal. Then after that he spent most of his life in this camp"  
"analyzing who to kill" Morgan spat disgustedly  
"How old is Jordan now?" JJ asked  
"Turned 21 two months ago."  
"So Jordan was 15 when Michael killed himself."  
"and Michael was 21."  
"Jordan just turned 21. maybe thats what triggered him. he didn't think he could last longer than his brother"  
"Guys look!" Rossi pointed out the window.  
They saw a figure running. Turned out to be Jordan. He was trying to run away, he knew they were after him.  
The team sprinted outside the office and followed him. They cornered him in a small alley.  
But to their surprise, he was clutching a knife.  
"Don't bother. Am gonna kill myself anyway" he spat, crying.  
"You don't wanna do that. Trust me Jordan." JJ said, carefully.  
"Oh, trust me, I do." He said sarcastically.  
"I know how terrible losing someone in this way is" she tried to calm him down  
"No you don't. Stop saying that you do. You don't. Stop. Just stop" he sounded disgusted.  
"I know how surreal it was the first day. You didn't even shed a single tear. In your head nothing has really happened. I know you slept on his bed expecting him to wake you up in the morning yelling at you for staying in his room" She said quietly  
"No. No shut up." he screamed.  
"I know the terrible hollow feeling you got when you woke up the next day by the sound of your mom crying. Not him" She took a deep breath  
"I know how empty you felt. how lost, alone, confused you were. I know that you thought that you won't ever get over it. until one day you woke up and it didn't hurt as much" she paused.  
"I know you hated yourself for that. you beat yourself over being so selfish. I know that you thought 'How does someone get over losing their brother' You didn't want to get over it but at the same time you terribly needed to get over it" She closed her eyes fighting the tears.  
"Please, shut up. Just let me end my misery" he tried to block what she was saying.  
"You can't do that to yourself, Jordan" She spoke carefully.  
"Why not? No one cares about anyone. We cry for a while then we forget. No one honestly cares"  
"We care." She took a step closer, carefully. "Why do you think we do this job? Why are we spending our time doing this? Because We care about those girls you killed even though we don't know them."  
"I killed them to end their misery."  
"That wasn't for you to deiced Jordan!" JJ screamed, trying to control her anger.  
"Not all of us take the short way out, Jordan. Some choose to fight. Those girls chose to fight! Because they know they were loved. even though maybe they doubt it at times. But they're loved"  
"I'm just so tired." He broke down, on his knees, sobbing. the knife was thrown away  
Morgan ran towards him and handcuffed him.  
JJ didn't realize that all eyes were on her. She was too caught up in the emotions rising up inside of her for thinking about her sister, that she forgot she wasn't alone in the alley.  
She felt like crying. Until her eyes met Reid's. She felt better. Assured.  
Hotch walked up to her. "Am sorry for your loss." he put a hand on her shoulder and she nodded. The rest of them followed. She was grateful.  
Reid walked up to her. it was jut them in the alley now.  
"You're incredibly amazing, you know that?" Reid smiled.  
JJ blushed.

-  
Once they made it to their office. Reid realized he didn't have his car, since JJ drove him here.  
"I can drop you off kid" Morgan volunteered  
"No its okay i'll do it, i need something from a store on the way to his house so."  
Morgan looked at her doubtly "Okay."  
"Good Job guys. Sleep well." Hotch said.  
they broke apart everyone to their car and rode to their homes.  
Reid sat next to JJ and shut the door.  
"Thanks for driving me"  
"Don't mention it" She smiled.  
They spent the entire ride quite. None of them said a word. But all of them were enjoying the silence. They appreciated it.  
"Uh where're you going? That's not the way to my house." Reid broke the silence.  
"i'm taking you somewhere first." She smiled  
"Where?"  
"You'll see" she let out a little giggle  
They stopped by a little bakery  
"It's 8pm and you're stopping to get donuts!" Reid mocked.  
"Come on"  
They both got off the car and walked in.  
"Take a seat, i'll be right there"  
Reid sat in the rear end of the restaurant in a corner in a table for 2. Waiting for JJ  
3 minutes later she came holding a plate with two slices of chocolate cake.  
"Did you know that 40% of pregnant women crave sweets" Reid blurted  
"Are you implying that am pregnant"  
"No, I-" Reid stuttered but nothing came out, he blushed. JJ giggled.  
"I thought you should cut something sweet for a change." She smiled  
Reid registered what she was trying to do and he was overwhelmed with gratitude. The biggest smile was drawn across his face.  
"Didn't know you were so cheesy, " he smiled.  
"Do you mind cheesy?" She asked playfully.  
"Not if it means free cake" He grabbed the chocolate cake plate from JJ, silently promising to stay strong, for her.

**A/N: **Am sorry this is a bit late, idk i thought i should just wrap up the case sooner better than later, i really hope you guys liked and am really looking forward to your reviews and thoughts ;) Thank you


End file.
